BREAKING NEWS: Trump To Replace AG Sessions With Pomeranian
Early this morning the Trump administration announced that long embattled Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was out and a pomeranian called Mr. Big Stuff was in. According to sources the name Mr. Big Stuff is meant to be ironic given the breed’s diminutive stature.
While news of Sessions’ ouster was not unexpected, the decision to nominate a candidate with neither government experience nor a legal degree was deemed surprising by many Washington insiders. Several other Justice Department officials who did not wish to be quoted also raised concerns that Trump’s nominee was, in fact, a dog.
Rumors began swirling on Friday that Sessions day’ of reckoning might be coming and several news outlets reported that the President was likely to name Anastasia Pomeranian, the Yale Law School graduate and current justice of the 9th Circuit US Court Of Appeals. CNN’s Jeffery Toobin, who first broke the story, said “it’s not clear whether those reports were wrong or somebody just heard “Pomeranian” and drew what in every friggin’ other administration would have been the logical conclusion.” Mr. Toobin could not be reached for follow-up comment as he is reportedly taking a month off to “re-evaluate every thing he has ever thought, felt, considered or believed.”
The New York Times reported that President Trump apparently began considering Mr. Big Stuff last weekend when he observed the dog with its owners Sheldon and Marian Adelson strolling through the main dining room of his Mar-a-Lago club.
According to Times’ reporter Maggie Haberman’s sources Trump told friends “So I’m sitting at the club having this most beautiful piece of chocolate cake with my wife Ivanka (Editor’s note: Trump’s wife is named Melania) and this cute little dog comes in with the most incredible smile and just this tremendous fur and she’s just beautifully groomed and, to be honest, I can’t take my eyes off of her (Editor’s note: Mr. Big Stuff is male). And you know I start thinking the thing with Jeff is he’s always just so surly and nobody likes to talk about this, but he’s losing his hair. So I say to myself why not bring in some fresh new ideas and a great coat and just lighten things up a bit. When I heard Pomeranians were from Eastern Europe I thought I had to have her (Editor’s note: Pomeranians are from Central Europe).”
Reached for comment White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied the conversation took place but said that obviously by “having to have her” the President meant in his cabinet. She added that Mr. Big Stuff has gone through all the vetting consistent with the same policy that President Obama used to promote candidates from other species to his administration.
The decision, which according to reports was aggressively supported by White House Chief of Staff John Kelly, became final when they learned that Pomeranians are good with children and known to become aggressive when other dogs challenge them.
Adding mystery to the surprise announcement is that little is known about Mr. Big Stuff’s judicial leanings. In an interview published last spring in Pom World, Ms. Adelson shared that Mr. Big Stuff is strongly anti-squirrel and gets very fussy when “that bitch next door’s cat comes over the fence.” Those reports could not be independently confirmed. While being careful to note that they did not know Mr. Big Stuff personally, many judicial scholars expressed concern that dogs are not generally known for their level of scholarship and legal discernment. Famed defense attorney Alan Dershowitz opined “I think it’s fair to say that Mr. Big Stuff will be on a pretty steep learning curve, not to mention having to deal with all the issues surrounding the Mueller investigation.”
Reaction from Capitol Hill was swift and generally negative. Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum weighed in adding “see this is just what I’ve been talking about for years. We keep allowing more and more freedom and before you know it a whole other species becomes a high government official.” Senator John McCain, long a vocal critic of the Administration, upon learning the news simply walked away, shaking his head and muttering what several outlets reported to be “just shoot me.”
This latest controversial White House move comes on the heels of Trump’s picking a new Secretary for the Veteran Affairs Administration (the US’s 2nd largest department) with little management experience and the revelation that HUD Secretary Ben Carson was replaced with a robot late last year.
Originally published at stevenpdennis.com on April 1, 2018.